In research published in PubMed by Karina Schumann and Michael Ross (click here for full extract) two studies found that men apologise less frequently than women because they have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behaviour ie. men rated their offences as less severe than women did. These different ratings of severity predicted both judgements of whether an apology was deserved and actual apology behaviour. It’s believed that women apologise more frequently than men primarily due to social conditioning that encourages them to be more polite, agreeable, and accommodating; often apologising for minor issues to maintain harmony, reduce discomfort, or manage social interactions.
In my experience as a therapist of over 20 years I have to agree. Here are some examples of the apologies I receive from women:
I’m sorry my legs are so hairy/bristly
I guess it’s obvious that men aren’t going to apologise for this because they don’t have the same social pressures on them to be hair-free, but still I’m always surprised when my female clients feel the need to apologise for being too busy juggling their work and home lives to have found the time to freshly shave their legs for their reflexology appointment!
I’m sorry for crying
Now we all know that men cry less than women, certainly in front of others, but if a client cries in my therapy room I take it as a huge compliment. It means they feel safe in the space I’ve created for them and they trust me. Crying is a really important way to release tension and let go of sadness. I say more of this kind of thing!
I’m sorry I think I snored
Almost everyone makes snuffly, popping or snoring sounds when they drift off while they’re having a deeply relaxing treatment. Again this is a huge compliment because it means they’re relaxed enough to fully let go. If my male clients do it, generally they’ll say something like “I think I snored through most of that!” and laugh, but they’ll rarely apologise (and why should they?).
I’m sorry my feet are in a bit of a state
One of the things we learn at Reflexology school is to look at our clients’ feet for clues. If the nails are freshly painted or the hard skin has been rubbed away, they don’t tell me as much of a story. Freshly moisturised feet also present challenges because most products leave residue which can sometimes affect my ability to work the reflexes. Female clients have also sometimes apologised for the shape, smell or size of their feet. Male clients rarely do. I truly don’t care what your feet are like, only that you entrust them to me. One caveat is that I do kind of care when I spend a treatment inhaling freshly applied nail polish vapour. I have a really sensitive sense of smell!
I’m sorry I didn’t wash my hair before I came
It’s kind of heartbreaking to massage a load of oil into freshly washed hair during an Indian Head Massage, knowing it’ll just need to be washed again afterwards. Moreover if hair is still damp it makes scalp massage so much harder because it tends not to run smoothly through my fingers, which makes me worry about tugging it. Please don’t ever feel the need to arrive with clean hair (although if it’s got a lot of product in it it can be a bit tricky sometimes!).
I’m sorry I talked too much/didn’t speak much
It’s your time to spend as you please. If you want to talk, be my guest. If you don’t want to talk, please don’t feel the need to. I’ve always said that every day I have the perfect balance of clients who talk a lot and clients who don’t. I don’t ever set out for it to be this way, it just always is.
I’m sorry I’ve come in my scruffy clothes
Great! It means that you don’t feel the need to dress up for me. I like that!
I’m sorry I’ve not had a chance to give my feet a wipe
Now you know that I always give them a spritz of rosewater and a relaxing rub with a warm, damp towel, don’t you?
This is an observational post so please don’t see it as criticism. It’s just always struck me how often my female clients apologise to me about things that really, really don’t matter. Please come as you are. It makes me happy when you feel comfortable enough to do that.
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